It’s been a nice few weeks off though I can’t say I’ve done a whole lot with what seemed, at the start, like oceans of time in which to accomplish a lot.
I’ve accomplished very little. But that’s what vacations are for, right? Relaxing and doing nothing? The older I get, the harder that is. I constantly feel this urge to BE DOING. To MAKE. To PRODUCE. To leave a mark, make my life seem worthwhile. I had a list. Actually, a lot of them. The practical stuff, the fixing-things list, the baking-things list, the cleaning-things list….most of that got done.
I saw family just enough. Friends, not enough. I took some drives, bought a few things, ditched traditions that had no meaning and spent very little time in social media spaces. By Christmas Eve, I’d had too much time alone which….is a new feeling. I’ve discovered that four or five days is about as long as I can stand being in my house without the kids. After that, I get antsy. I think if the weather had been less wet (it was gloriously warm until yesterday), I would have taken a few long walks.
I’m reading my very wise and thorough horoscope and it’s telling me that it’s time to organize my life so that I’m prepared for what’s next, for what I want. Which could mean all kinds of things but for me, I’ve taken that literally and every other way. I did spend some time today tidying and organizing stuff on my desk, going through all the papers I’ve collected over the past few months, all the gardening-related stuff I thought was crucial last year, gathering together and adding to my calendar (the one I carry with me) all the books I want to read, the movies and tv shows I want to see, all the products I might need to buy (new edger, new vacuum cleaner) next year, the things I want to do.
I’m trying to write my way to a more organized thought process. What do I want to accomplish next year and how will I do it? How do I want my personal life, my brain space life, my work life, my raising children life, my writing life to be? Do I even want a writing life right now? If I do, why? What exactly do I want and who do I want to be? Who do I want to be with?
In the piles of crap I sorted through today, I found a New Moon Affirmation that I’d printed out (courtesy of Chani Nicholas horoscopes). I read it (when it finds its way to the top of the pile) every so often and think about how far I’ve come and how far I have to go. I’m not even sure what the ultimate goal is, exactly, but I’m not there yet. A lot of this rang true again as I had a discouraging family encounter over the holidays (who hasn’t, right?) that picked a scab raw that I thought was pretty healed over.
Not all of this applies all the time but even if you get something, one line, one phrase that pricks at you, that pokes and makes you go “ah!”, that makes you see something in a new way, or gain comfort in knowing you are moving in the right direction, or forces you to rethink something, then I’ve accomplished at least that much during my Weeks of Sloth.
New Moon Affirmation
May I be open to new ways of looking at old wounds. Especially as they relate to my childhood, my home, my family and my efforts to recreate a loving space that holds me, nourishes me and where I feel I belong. I am allowed to feel like I belong. I am allowed to have a place to call home. I feel at home here. I am my home now.
May I be willing to approach my familiar fretting ways with a curiosity that helps me to consider why I might be in a particular pickle.
May I be conscious enough to realize that when I am trapped in an old fear, wrapped in its panic and at its whim that I am powerless over it. I have been besieged and I have forgotten to ask for help.
May I remember that I can ask for help.
I can ask for help from a power greater than myself. Nature can heal me. Meditating can heal me. Lighting a candle and saying “thank you” can heal me and so can saying “Please help me with this, I am not sure how to do it on my own. I need help carrying this. I cannot do it alone.”
I have a choice to react as I always have or I have the choice to get curious. Why this feeling? Why this reaction? Why this thought? What have I metaphorically stepped on and is there another way to dance with this demon? I know there is another way. A way that is kinder, gentler and simpler.
May I remember it now.
Namaste and Happy New Year to you.