Greyish Gardens

I had plans to do a little walking today. Not anything crazy but maybe up to the public library and back over to the campus library. I’ve got this new pedometer – via a wellness thing at work – and my steps so far are pathetic. Granted, I’ve had a cold and spent a couple of days moving from bed to chair to couch, but still. It’s an embarrassingly low number of steps. I did better yesterday when our plans changed and I took the girls to the mall. They needed clothes. And shoes. Their feet are enormous but may have finally stopped growing. Red couldn’t decide between the large array of ugly tennis shoes and left, instead, with 5 billion striped shirts.

The mall was nearly empty thanks to the national sporting event we don’t watch and the weather was chilly but not horrible. And it wasn’t raining. So, that was my exercise. We walked and walked and purchased.

Today, though…..I’m betting that whistle pig didn’t see his shadow because the whole world outside is nothing but shadow. Grey on white on grey. With a layer of rain on top.

That’s the thing about winter: it’s colorless. There’s a tinge of green where grass usually grows but even most of that around here is the kind that dies back in the winter. Like my soul, my hope.

January was two months long and February will probably feel longer.

I’ve been chatting with two new guys though one of them abruptly disappeared Friday night after asking what I was doing this past weekend and I told him. So….okay. Am I boring? I’m a mom. It’s a kid weekend. We’re doing stuff. I’m beginning to wonder if everything men write is code for something I don’t understand. I’m not sure what they are expecting from me. Or did he suddenly collapse? His computer exploded? He was kidnapped? I don’t know. But I also don’t think he’s anyone I want to concern myself with.

I can tell you that a) I am WYSIWYG. I don’t bat my eyelashes and don’t have time or inclination for flirting, b) when I’m with my kids, I’m with my kids, c) I don’t like to talk on the phone and excessive chatting by way of text, email, etc., is not my thing either. I don’t have time for that. I’m not married to my device, d) I am busy. I have a life. A life that comes before whatever it is you want or expect from me.

So, maybe I’m not all that interested in dating at the moment. I really don’t have a lot of free time and I’ve discovered that the free time I have, I really don’t want to give it away to strangers. I’m growing very protective of it.

That said, I have exchanged numbers with one man (he gave me his first) and we have had a conversation on the phone (he called me, of course) and texted and we’ll probably meet irl soon. He splits his time between VA and Syracuse. He’s a radiologist with a son in college. He’s a bit too forward but in fairness, I’m not inundating him with my presence. I have explained that I don’t like phones. Phone calls, unlike emailing or texting, require me to have the time and space to talk, which I don’t really have. I’m either at work or at home doing mom things. Calls require free time in which to talk. If you text me, and my phone actually has a signal, I still might not see if for a while because my phone is not attached to me. It’s usually buried in my purse with the ringer off. Because anyone who really needs to get in touch with me, knows how to do that. I don’t owe it to the world to be available 24/7.

In all fairness though, the world has changed while I was hidden away for a couple decades, raising children and removing myself from despair and I guess all these men expect potential dates to be on the same technological wave length. Even potential dates my age. If so, I might not be their girl. I might not be anyone’s girl. I’m discovering that I’m actually okay with that because the alternative is too exhausting and time consuming.

Yes, I’ll meet the radiologist. I’ll either decide he’s worth my time or he isn’t. But, after that, I might put a hold on the dating site until I finish some things I started or maybe until I’m no longer in full-time mom mode. Because I can no longer be all things to all people.


7 thoughts on “Greyish Gardens

  1. I drove for three hours this morning, taking a student to get a drug test for a summer job and picking up two speakers to bring back to campus. Miles and miles of white and black. February is always the longest month.

    Like you, I always guarded my time with kids. When they’re gone, though, you might be glad you kept your hand in at adult conversation.

    • Well, I still have opportunities for adult conversations – they just happen to be with women. I’m perplexed by thing whole dating thing and whatever I’m saying is apparently not when men want to hear maybe. I dunno.

  2. Oh, the online dating men — most of them are like kids in a candy store and even if they find a reasonable prospect, think there’s a sweeter bit of honey just around the corner. Overwhelmed by choices, they cannot pick only one. There are good ones out there, but you have to look really hard. Keep looking, I’m rooting for you!

    • Yeah, and the newest guy actually reminds me way too much of my ex for comfort. Plus, he’s a scorpio. I don’t mix well with them.

  3. “The Libra husband is not an easy man to please. The monotony of domesticity is not to his liking, but he is a passionate man, and a respecter of tradition.” – Little Edie

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