The Gay Divorcee

“Napoleon, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with babes all day.”

So, in addition to writing and getting back on the Weight Watcher’s wagon, I’ve been chatting with men (I kind of hope there’s not a male equivalent of “babes”) online. I even have a lunch date lined up for next week. !!! I know! Go figure.

I joined a dating site just to see what would happen. Here’s what’s happened so far:

1. I was inundated with messages from a bizarre assortment of illiterate men who probably need to go over to the Craigslist men-looking-for-skanks page. Block, block, block and block.

2. I received literate messages from a couple of men who I responded to. Let’s break this down, shall we?

2a. Bachelor #1: Local (in my woods and not a gun toting tea partier!), white guy, runs an organic farm. Kids out of the house. Not George Clooney but not a deal breaker in the looks department either. I have standards but I also know that 50 year old men are not going to look like Harry Styles. Unfortunately. We will be going to lunch next week. Weekday lunch means I will need to get back to work and there will be no lingering and no awkward “what do you want to do now” discussion. Yet. At the very least, it will be a new and different experience.

2b. Bachelor #2: Relatively recent transplant, originally in the theatre world in NYC. African-American, I presume. Well read and travelled. Seems like a very nice man. We’ve chatted but that’s where it’s stands. I’ll either hear back or I won’t.

2c. Bachelor #3: Lives in MD and seems to think this isn’t too far away. I think he’s wrong and we’ve discussed our cats and…..I’m thinking that baby’s just going to die a little death. Nice guy, racial background unclear (not that it matters – I’m just painting a picture here for you) but probably not worth my time. I’m thinking I shouldn’t discount dog ownership so quickly.

2d. Bachelor #4: Slightly local, slightly younger, white guy, never married, no kids. Chatty but there’s little chemistry there. Probably nothing will come of this and I won’t cry.

2e. Bachelor #5: African-American guy, localish (in the city), well read, very well travelled, loves the same movies as me. I contacted him. Haven’t heard back and I might not be his thing (even though we’ve both ‘liked’ each other) but I wouldn’t mind at least chatting. You just never know.

And there were scads of OMG NO men. If nothing else, this exercise has been entertaining. Men I hide/block right from the get-go: men in other, far away states. Men with guns cocked and/or with their kills, men on boats with photos of them and their fish (great but not my thing), men who seem normal and then go on to explain how they’ve discovered “orgasmic meditation” (jesus, I hope this post doesn’t get googled). Can you hear the screeching halt? Also on the “not worth bothering with”: men who clearly haven’t bathed or shaved ever, men who post bathroom selfies bare chested, men who write, “If you believe anthropogenic climate change is proven science, I am sorry…but you do not think critically enough for me to consider a long-term relationship with.” Thanks for clearing that up.


And then there’s the man who posts one photo, of his forehead and eyebrows, who writes a single “sentence” made up of words strung together with commas and no spaces that begins with “ferrets” and includes “nascar” and “shaved”. Again: dude, go back to Craigslist. But just go away.

So, the week has been interesting, to say the least. This all might fizzle out by the end of the month but it’s been a fun little preoccupation. I haven’t been on a real date in more than 25 years. In high school and college, I went with guys in packs of people. We all hung out and were poor together. My ex never took me on a date except at the very beginning of our relationship. For a while, during grad school, that was fine. We had no money. But later, we only went out (to dinner with other people or to the movies) because I forced us to. I was apparently not important enough to be kind to. So, we’ll see if that changes going forward.

What’s the worst date you ever had?


6 thoughts on “The Gay Divorcee

  1. I went out with a guy in college who was, as I told him, “about as much fun as a boiled egg.” He transferred less than a month later, which I took less as a reaction to my comment than a belated realization that he was in the wrong place.

  2. Wow..i cant even imagine dating again so this is fun to be living vicariously through you. Go for it.i loved the pure enjoyment of reading about the wack jobs!

  3. I once went on a date with a lovely man who suddenly told me he wanted me to join his circle of witches and warlocks! NOT to play some game, mind you, but to cast spells, etc. Bye-bye.

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