2015

Oh man. We’ve made it through three days and just have our eyes on the prize that is the weekend. This getting up early, in the darkness, just downright sucks. No two ways about it. I get up and feed the cats and there’s the moon greeting me. It’s a nice full round moon but it’s not the round thing I want to see in the sky. I want to see the other one.

This weekend, Red has a party to attend, Dusty has a friend spending the night, and then we’ll have lunch with good friends on Sunday. Action packed but lots of sleeping late too. That part is important. Essential.

Because it’s January, and a time when people generally decide to make changes (whether they keep them or not is another conversation), I’ve begun a couple of my own:

1. Writing. I’ve been writing. One of the things I failed to include in my 2014 wrap up was that my computer died a horrible death in June, taking everything on the hard drive with it. If it wasn’t for FaceBonker, I would have lost at least a year’s worth of photos. Not to mention random docs. But since I’ve always saved stories on flash drives, I didn’t lose anything desperately important. Except the computer itself.

But, an angel came along and helped me get a new one. And now I have a working printer too. All that’s left to acquire is a back-up hard drive (which, I KNOW, I should have already but I’m saving things in various places until I get one). I am not Rockefeller.

And so, now I have no excuses. And am carving out the writing time again. And I’m doing it. I always forget how nice it is when you’re present in the moment of creating a story. It’s a bit like dreaming because you aren’t even aware that you’re doing it. Your brain is focused in that world and is only barely registering that odd character walking past the cubicle or the old couple figuring out which table to read the paper at. I wish I could be in that place for longer periods of time. And when I snap out of it….pages have been written. Whether that writing has “merit” or not is beside the point. The act, the doing, is the important thing. I have to keep reminding myself this. Because it’s really easy to become depressed by the futility. I’m ignoring all that right now.

2. Body. Issues. I got fat. Fat, I think, is relative. Women – you and I – have this horrible need (guilty as charged) to put ourselves down, think of ourselves in unflattering terms and are always comparing ourselves to other people – fat, skinny, in between, etc. And we usually come out feeling worse for it. I’m smaller than some people, bigger than others. I’m simply comparing myself to myself here.

There came a time when the number on the scale was not a good one for me, when all my clothes felt uncomfortably tight, when enough became enough. I’ve gained weight over the last year and some of that is bad eating & drinking habits plus a whole heap of not giving a shit. Some of it is menopause which has hit me like a UPS truck. A lot of it is the divorce (see bad drinking and eating habits above). I don’t have a lot of time for exercise. I spent all my time last year panicking and painting and raising children and going to work and driving and freaking out and worrying about money and cleaning out closets and watching tv with a couple glasses of wine. Bottles. Some nachos. Whatever.

Anyway, I’ve joined WW again and my goal is simply to get rid of the 15 pounds I’ve gained by the time I go to the beach. So, 15 pounds in 6 months. Should be doable. I’ve been walking, too, when I can. Of course now it’s single-digit cold outside so I will probably try those exercise videos next weekend that I bought at Costco a year ago during one of my must-accomplish-everything-in-the-universe frenzies I frequently had.

3. Dating. Well, I’m thinking about this. Might sign up for one of those services. Maybe. We’ll see. Curious to see what’s out there but not holding out much hope. I’m not looking for a soul mate or something steady. Just a nice man with a real job who likes the same movies and is possibly a vegetarian and not at all an asshole. And if he looks slightly like either George Clooney, Pierce Brosnan or Cary Grant, that would be nice too. But, I haven’t been single since forever (seriously – I’ve had a boyfriend or a husband since I was 16 and haven’t lived on my own, on my own terms except for a brief few months here and there in my entire adult life) and I’m liking it so I’m fine just being on my own. It’s nice, really.

Even if that doesn’t work out, I’ll just keep writing, walking, plugging in my food, planning trips, saving money, gardening, throwing out crap I don’t need, reading, watching movies, being comfortable in my own skin.

Do you have a resolution for the new year? Is it reasonable? Will it make you happier? More calm? Take you down a better path? I hope so. It’s not worth doing if it doesn’t.

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