Doors and Windows

Christmas creeps ever closer.

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One more week of school and work until a fresh new year begins. Next week will be one of doors closing and windows opening. On Tuesday, I’ll be signing divorce papers making my singlehood official. The day after that, I’ll spend in the woods on a silent meditation retreat. I have no idea what to expect but that’s been true of this entire year. I’ve had no idea how to do what I’ve done but I did it and we’re all still alive and generally happier. I had no idea what I’d gain and lose but I think I’ve come out on the winning end of things. In terms of peace of mind, if not financially. Friends have come and gone but the ones who’ve stuck with me have underscored the meaning of friend. I’ve tried to give as good as (or better than) I’ve gotten and that’s generally worked out okay. Some days it’s hit or miss. Some things, you just have to let go of. I’m counting my blessings.

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A long time ago, I was a very different person. I’ve spent a lot of this year trying to grow. Trying to learn from past mistakes. Trying to figure out how to not make them again without losing my trust, which is always shaky at best. It’s hard to give away a part of yourself when it might be stepped on and ground under someone’s heel. Or worse, ignored and dismissed.

But, you move on. One foot in front of the other. The alarm goes off and you just get up out of bed and begin another day. With kids, there is no other choice. You could lie around and call in sick but I can’t and won’t. I make the breakfasts and cajole people into clothes and out the door and meet the bus and get behind the wheel and make sure everyone’s where they need to be even if my brain isn’t really there. It’s thinking ahead, rarely behind. Planning the next adventure, paying the next bill, adding more things to the to-do lists, hoping that all of this is for something good. That adults will be created from this house who will go on to be good productive people in the world with fewer issues than I have, with fewer hurdles to jump, with less fear, with more love and security as a foundation than I ever had. With just more.

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She thought she had a perfect childhood but really she was scared and confused but turned out okay in the end.

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2 thoughts on “Doors and Windows

  1. I think your goal is what mine was: break the chains of the past, and work so that my kids’ issues would be less than mine. Still there, no doubt, but hopefully mitigated a bit.

    And I really love the picture of you there at the end of the post. Your smile says so much.

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