It’s been a rough week. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the show Moonshiners but I feel like those idiots in NC who try to dig a pit under a bandstand to make whiskey and the walls cave in and even after reinforcements, black mold grows. Disaster start to finish. I can’t even begin to list the problems. Snow and THREE days off from school for the kids was the start. A needed doctor’s appointment was rescheduled. Cookie sales have completely consumed my life. The selling, the scarcity of finding, the anxiety of selling what’s left. It’s crazy. I’m not sure I can live with this level of stress again for such little payoff.
By Tuesday, I’d really lost it and felt as if I was sliding down a rabbit hole greased with unwashed dishes and private pity party tears with the only toe holds available created by the boogers one kid kept flinging at the other. My god. My god! This is no exaggeration. An understatement, if anything.
I showed up for work, did things under deadline and tried really, really hard to hold my shit together. The ex watched the kids that day and I came home to a disastrous mess with a sink full of unrinsed, unwashed dishes. Dusty had made not only pancakes but ice cream and hadn’t washed a single thing and the “adult” in the house hadn’t done a thing. Lifted not a finger. So, my punishment was a goddamned disaster. I washed and made Dusty dry and put away every single thing in or near the sink. I was beyond disappointed. Beyond angry. No child had dressed and I’m guessing no child had even brushed their teeth. Chaos had reigned in seconds.
I suppose I was being punished in more ways than one. I’m having all kinds of issues with disrespect and lack of courtesy in many areas of my life right now and I can’t quite figure out if it’s ME or if I’m simply expecting more than the world can offer. Is it really so difficult to have your children pick up after themselves even if you aren’t in your own house, even if it’s a house you lost and have been allowed back in, ostensibly to babysit? Is it so difficult to be an adult? Of course, it’s only slightly worse than it was before he left, really. Why do I need to constantly nag these children? Why? I need to make a chart or a list or something. Here are the things you are responsible for doing. But what’s the consequence of not doing them? They already don’t get an allowance. They already don’t get handed things they want. I don’t know. It’s been made clear to me – during this state I was in – that I am doing it wrong. All of it. Wrong. I am wrong. (jesus why is that dog still barking?) I am a mother doing it all wrong.
You just can’t get a break.
In retrospect, I’m pretty sure PMS played a role in my mood and ultimate breakdown and the saddest part about that is that I’m in full blown menopause at this point. But the PMS mental problems are more full blown than ever. Which wasn’t exactly what I signed up for at birth. Pretty sure I couldn’t even write my name back then so….somebody pulled a fast one on me.
And you’ve heard that it’s cold? That this winter won’t ever end? I figured out the other morning (yesterday, I think), that one of my problems with winter, and snow, apart from the million obvious things, is that there’s no color. The ground is white and underneath that is brown. The sky’s grey. Occasionally it’s broken up with dead stick trees and dead grass. Even the evergreens are a sickly greyish green. Not a color that looks good on anyone. I need color. Never mind warmth, I need to see the landscape broken up in swaths of green and blue and fluffy clouds. I need fully leafed trees and flowers. I need the correct sun angle shining down. I need those little purple bugleweed flowers that take over the back yard to carpet everything. I need to be able to walk outside without suiting up. I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
So, the house is a mess. My life is a mess. Everybody wants a piece of me.
Other things pending:
1. My presentation I’m giving at a conference in May. I’ve finished this. I need to practice the actual presentation. What I have is a lovely powerpoint but I need to act it out over and over in the privacy of my house to see how long it is, what the hell I’ll say. While I was snowed in, I got an email detailing the date and time I’d speak (much longer than I’d anticipated; shit) and that they’d need all this information by yesterday. Okay then.
2, My neighbor’s dog is driving me batshit crazy insane. The incessant barking, the wandering all over my property, the treeing of my cats. It’s all getting to be a bit much. I like my neighbors. They are old. I hate to be that bitch but I think I’m going to have to make The Call. It’s the Call I’ve had to make over the years. The Call is one of the reasons I moved and moved and moved again. People: they are the problem that I can’t seem to escape. I’ve been very happy here over the past decade and I have no intention of moving just because my old neighbors bought a shitty dog. But….why is the victim always made out to be the problem? Why is the complainer hated? I don’t understand this. I hate to be hated but I think I might just have to get over that.
3. Speaking of the house…
3.a. Roofer. He’s come out to look at the roof and not seen much of anything. The leaks in the living room ceiling continue to grow. With every snowfall that melts and after every rain storm that follows. He’s coming out on Sunday to look at the ceiling and crawl around in the attic. It’s not that I *want* another bill to pay but roofs aren’t something I want to fuck around with.
3.b. Gutters. I’d contracted to have gutters replaced for a very reasonable amount. Snow fucked up those plans. No idea when they’ll come out. Could be next week or ….May. Whatever. I guess when the weather’s behaving and they want my money, I’ll hear from them.
3.c. Loan assumption. I am slowly pulling together the documents the bank requires for this tedious process. I’m not looking forward to dealing with bankers again so soon (18 months?) after the refi fiasco. There’s no huge rush but I would like to get it done sooner rather than later. It’s a thing that hangs over my head. I am the pit and it is the pendulum.
4. Vacation. I bit the bullet and rented a beach house. I don’t really have the money but I don’t care.
5. Career. So many things I’m waiting on that haven’t happened that I can’t talk about. Meanwhile….see the bit about people up above. And disrespect. Etc. Yeah.
6. Things. The snow meant that I now have two weeks’ worth of garbage and recycling in my house that will go tomorrow. The tiles I ordered to finish the kitchen backsplash had to be ordered directly from the company (and thus were more expensive) because the hardware chain was out. They didn’t come and didn’t come and finally I got a call from Canada that I almost didn’t take because I figured it was a vendor selling me a product I didn’t have the budget (work) for. But lo! They’re mailing them post haste! So perhaps that project will be done soon. Oh, and both bathroom tub/showers need serious caulking. I should get on that. I worry about water damage. A lot. More than I ever let on. After a full bathroom renovation due to mold issues in ’10 (expensive) and this roof business….it’s a worry.
7. Cookies. Damn cookies. But first I have to deliver cookies to customers and pick up more and be DONE. Wash my hands of it all.
8. Oh! And the credit union keeps paying my bills with my mother’s account! So, yeah, had to deal with that. That was fun. And made me sad that I can’t even trust the credit union anymore.
9. And summer. I need to work on the summer schedule – where the kids are going, and with whom when, and what they’ll do when they’re with me. Who works. All summer. And is apparently 100% responsible for figuring out E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
10. I’m sure there’s something I’m forgetting but I forget.
11. I’m reading a really good book that I don’t have time to read. That might be the most painful problem at all.
It’s late. I’m going to bed. The dog is still barking. I may have to kill him. Eventually it’ll be spring and much of this won’t be an issue anymore and I can dig in the garden and not care anymore. Right?