A Barry White World

Okay, I will say this about daylight saving time, and nothing more: there is no good reason to mess with time. None. If the tea party or the libertarians would address this Congress-driven insanity, I might be able to get behind them. This is government interference at its worst, as far as I’m concerned. It’s torture and needs to stop. I should not EVER have to wake up in the “morning” and still see stars twinkling in the DARK ASS sky. No one should.

There. I’m done.

The weekend was lovely – warm and relatively quiet (apart from the dog). I did cookie-related chores and removed all the garbage from the house. I got the extra firewood out of the house (you never know when a storm will knock out the power). I cleaned and laundered things. I watched good shows and bad movies. I read my book and got a better idea of how to approach the story I want to write someday. I crossed things off my list. Not all the things, not by a long shot, but enough to make me feel I’d been productive.

The roofer came by and crawled around in my attic and found what he thinks is the problem. And he thinks he can fix it for a very negligible amount of money – less than a fancy meal at a fancy restaurant. My idea of fancy. Which means a step above Panera. Which means I can solve this problem without burrowing deeper into debt.

Oh, don’t think I have run out of things to complain about. That bucket is bottomless but I’ll spare you my rants. I’ll deal with those via personal conversations and emails. It might seem that I’m TMI’ing it too frequently here but really, I’m only scratching the surface. I would like to complain about these bad new scratchy bras (think: plastic thread) I bought that I will have to return (story of my life) but I’ll keep that one to myself. For now.

So. Positivity! Yes. Let’s find some good things to talk about. Like the weather! Which is getting warmer! And I’m looking at a week of relatively decent temps and only one day of possible rain.

Also, I’ve been driving around listening to Marvin Gaye and Barry White and….jesus, I hope somewhere there is a Barry White World because I need that level of “giving a shit” from another person. I am the latter day Ally McBeal, I guess, a confession that pains me to admit because I find that show highly annoying for many reasons not the least of which is the shudder-inducing thought that Ally is married to Han Solo. I file that one in the same “What’s Wrong With The World” folder next to the whole DST thing. But I understand her Barry White fantasies because doesn’t everyone want to hear that they are someone’s everything? Just once? I would. Maybe my folder should be labeled “Wishful Thinking” and I’d need an accordion file for that. Probably more than one.

So! We have a big ole wide sunny day before us. Let’s go out and walk around in it. I’m certainly going to try even though I didn’t pack the right shoes for it.

Pity Party

It’s been a rough week. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the show Moonshiners but I feel like those idiots in NC who try to dig a pit under a bandstand to make whiskey and the walls cave in and even after reinforcements, black mold grows. Disaster start to finish. I can’t even begin to list the problems. Snow and THREE days off from school for the kids was the start. A needed doctor’s appointment was rescheduled. Cookie sales have completely consumed my life. The selling, the scarcity of finding, the anxiety of selling what’s left. It’s crazy. I’m not sure I can live with this level of stress again for such little payoff.

By Tuesday, I’d really lost it and felt as if I was sliding down a rabbit hole greased with unwashed dishes and private pity party tears with the only toe holds available created by the boogers one kid kept flinging at the other. My god. My god! This is no exaggeration. An understatement, if anything.

I showed up for work, did things under deadline and tried really, really hard to hold my shit together.  The ex watched the kids that day and I came home to a disastrous mess with a sink full of unrinsed, unwashed dishes. Dusty had made not only pancakes but ice cream and hadn’t washed a single thing and the “adult” in the house hadn’t done a thing. Lifted not a finger. So, my punishment was a goddamned disaster. I washed and made Dusty dry and put away every single thing in or near the sink. I was beyond disappointed. Beyond angry. No child had dressed and I’m guessing no child had even brushed their teeth. Chaos had reigned in seconds.

I suppose I was being punished in more ways than one. I’m having all kinds of issues with disrespect and lack of courtesy in many areas of my life right now and I can’t quite figure out if it’s ME or if I’m simply expecting more than the world can offer. Is it really so difficult to have your children pick up after themselves even if you aren’t in your own house, even if it’s a house you lost and have been allowed back in, ostensibly to babysit? Is it so difficult to be an adult? Of course, it’s only slightly worse than it was before he left, really. Why do I need to constantly nag these children? Why? I need to make a chart or a list or something. Here are the things you are responsible for doing. But what’s the consequence of not doing them? They already don’t get an allowance. They already don’t get handed things they want. I don’t know. It’s been made clear to me – during this state I was in – that I am doing it wrong. All of it. Wrong. I am wrong. (jesus why is that dog still barking?) I am a mother doing it all wrong.

You just can’t get a break.

In retrospect, I’m pretty sure PMS played a role in my mood and ultimate breakdown and the saddest part about that is that I’m in full blown menopause at this point. But the PMS mental problems are more full blown than ever. Which wasn’t exactly what I signed up for at birth. Pretty sure I couldn’t even write my name back then so….somebody pulled a fast one on me.

And you’ve heard that it’s cold? That this winter won’t ever end? I figured out the other morning (yesterday, I think), that one of my problems with winter, and snow, apart from the million obvious things, is that there’s no color. The ground is white and underneath that is brown. The sky’s grey. Occasionally it’s broken up with dead stick trees and dead grass. Even the evergreens are a sickly greyish green. Not a color that looks good on anyone. I need color. Never mind warmth, I need to see the landscape broken up in swaths of green and blue and fluffy clouds. I need fully leafed trees and flowers. I need the correct sun angle shining down. I need those little purple bugleweed flowers that take over the back yard to carpet everything. I need to be able to walk outside without suiting up. I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

So, the house is a mess. My life is a mess. Everybody wants a piece of me.

Other things pending:

1. My presentation I’m giving at a conference in May. I’ve finished this. I need to practice the actual presentation. What I have is a lovely powerpoint but I need to act it out over and over in the privacy of my house to see how long it is, what the hell I’ll say. While I was snowed in, I got an email detailing the date and time I’d speak (much longer than I’d anticipated; shit) and that they’d need all this information by yesterday. Okay then.

2, My neighbor’s dog is driving me batshit crazy insane. The incessant barking, the wandering all over my property, the treeing of my cats. It’s all getting to be a bit much. I like my neighbors. They are old. I hate to be that bitch but I think I’m going to have to make The Call. It’s the Call I’ve had to make over the years. The Call is one of the reasons I moved and moved and moved again. People: they are the problem that I can’t seem to escape. I’ve been very happy here over the past decade and I have no intention of moving just because my old neighbors bought a shitty dog. But….why is the victim always made out to be the problem? Why is the complainer hated? I don’t understand this. I hate to be hated but I think I might just have to get over that.

3. Speaking of the house…

3.a. Roofer. He’s come out to look at the roof and not seen much of anything. The leaks in the living room ceiling continue to grow. With every snowfall that melts and after every rain storm that follows. He’s coming out on Sunday to look at the ceiling and crawl around in the attic. It’s not that I *want* another bill to pay but roofs aren’t something I want to fuck around with.

3.b. Gutters. I’d contracted to have gutters replaced for a very reasonable amount. Snow fucked up those plans. No idea when they’ll come out. Could be next week or ….May. Whatever. I guess when the weather’s behaving and they want my money, I’ll hear from them.

3.c. Loan assumption. I am slowly pulling together the documents the bank requires for this tedious process. I’m not looking forward to dealing with bankers again so soon (18 months?) after the refi fiasco. There’s no huge rush but I would like to get it done sooner rather than later. It’s a thing that hangs over my head. I am the pit and it is the pendulum.

4. Vacation. I bit the bullet and rented a beach house. I don’t really have the money but I don’t care.

5. Career. So many things I’m waiting on that haven’t happened that I can’t talk about. Meanwhile….see the bit about people up above. And disrespect. Etc. Yeah.

6. Things. The snow meant that I now have two weeks’ worth of garbage and recycling in my house that will go tomorrow. The tiles I ordered to finish the kitchen backsplash had to be ordered directly from the company (and thus were more expensive) because the hardware chain was out. They didn’t come and didn’t come and finally I got a call from Canada that I almost didn’t take because I figured it was a vendor selling me a product I didn’t have the budget (work) for. But lo! They’re mailing them post haste! So perhaps that project will be done soon. Oh, and both bathroom tub/showers need serious caulking. I should get on that. I worry about water damage. A lot. More than I ever let on. After a full bathroom renovation due to mold issues in ’10 (expensive) and this roof business….it’s a worry.

7. Cookies. Damn cookies. But first I have to deliver cookies to customers and pick up more and be DONE. Wash my hands of it all.

8. Oh! And the credit union keeps paying my bills with my mother’s account! So, yeah, had to deal with that. That was fun. And made me sad that I can’t even trust the credit union anymore.

9. And summer. I need to work on the summer schedule – where the kids are going, and with whom when, and what they’ll do when they’re with me. Who works. All summer. And is apparently 100% responsible for figuring out E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

10. I’m sure there’s something I’m forgetting but I forget.

11. I’m reading a really good book that I don’t have time to read. That might be the most painful problem at all.

It’s late. I’m going to bed. The dog is still barking. I may have to kill him. Eventually it’ll be spring and much of this won’t be an issue anymore and I can dig in the garden and not care anymore. Right?

Title Optional

I’d promised myself I wouldn’t write again until I had something positive (ie, non weather-bitching related) to say. Seems that might never happen. It’s snowing again. And apparently it’ll never go away. This depresses me in so many ways, I can’t even express the depth and breath of my deep winter depression. I thought Girl Scout cookie sales (of which I’m in charge of for our nascent troop) would give me a focus, get me over the hump, but now the snow’s back and wreaking havoc on that. I need to fill an order and I’m not sure I will be able to.

I can’t seem to keep my house clean. It’s filled with trash that should be driven to the dump but….the dump isn’t reachable because of the weather. The four plus inches of ice and snow on the ground….five to six in town….the whole state’s just thrown up its hands. Uncle!
The children are pleased to roll in sloth but the walls are closing in.

One cat didn’t come home today until 2pm. Where he was is anyone’s guess. Haven’t seen Charlie since Sunday morning. Ah, Sunday! You were so warm and pleasant! Even the guinea pig was able to bask in the warmth you possessed. We all loved you, Sunday! You almost reached 70 degrees! And then we piled in the car and halfway through a very successful booth sale at a sorority house…..you turned dark and cold. Sour winds blew. Rain fell. We shivered. In the end, we drove to the grocery store to stock up ( booze and snacks, mainly). Got gas for the car I parked at the end of the driveway. Oh, Sunday. Oh, March. What a tease you are! April isn’t the cruelest month. March is the bitchiest bitch there is.

How could you DO this to me?! March snows are not unprecedented. Not by any means. But tomorrow will be the TENTH day this winter that the children have not had school because of bad weather. THAT, my fucking season frenemy, is unprecendented. THAT. Is unacceptable.

It’s not even the cold that’s the problem. It’s being stuck in the house, unable to do the most basic chores. It’s the constant rescheduling of appointments and events. It’s wasting my vacation days on winter cabin fever. It’s not even being able to get all this recycling and garbage out of my house!

I made muffins this morning. Two different batches; one for each child. I washed a sinkful of dishes three times today. Red lost a tooth. The tooth fairy pulls from the savings, such as they are, because I can’t get to a bank. I’m done. Finished. There’s nothing left.

I cry uncle. I can’t write, I can’t think. We’re all getting punch drunk. Sunday was such a tease. I sat on the deck for a short time and remembered what real life was like. What it had been like to walk outside and not have the door stand open because the snow was blocking it. The back storm door won’t shut anymore. There’s too much snow in the way. I don’t have the strength, the fortitude, the giving-a-shit to kick it out of the way anymore to firmly close the door. I just don’t care. I don’t.
I didn’t even have the wherewithal to vacuum today. The place is filthy and I had an entire day in which to do something about it and….I just don’t care anymore. I don’t.

And here’s the kicker: there’s more on the way. More bad weather. On TOP OF fucking daylight saving time next Sunday, a thing I hate almost more than I hate winter. It’s insult to injury. Bad enough I’ll never see 75 degrees again. Bad enough I’ll never be able to plant the seeds I bought in January. But soon it’ll be earlier and darker every day. It’ll be like waking up in Arkansas until November.

No thank you. No. I quit.