Where Was I?

My goodness, how time flies. It’s not that I haven’t thought about this space but that I haven’t figured out exactly what to say. I became a single mother on Nov 19th. I had intended to write about that and didn’t. Then, I intended to write on Thanksgiving and compare that holiday with the last time I was actually free on Thanksgiving – way back in the dark ages when I rented a one-room basement apartment around the corner from the house I grew up in and was no longer at my mother’s beck and call. Was I 20 that year? I don’t remember. I do remember waking up in my sofa bed and reveling in the fact that I could lie there, in peace and quiet, until nearly meal time (2pm back then – a ridiculous time to eat) and was never happier until this year when I didn’t have to be at the house until noon. More or less. 27 years later, my children off to their far away grandparents. I figured my new status would be cause for discussion at my mother’s house.

I was wrong. She never said a single word about it. Because I’m not, in her eyes, a victim. And she’s a narcissist and a professional victim. So, I lose. Again. But not really. I win, in my eyes. I just had to make a few concessions.

And then I thought I’d write on the one month anniversary of My New Life and that didn’t happen. I had a few fleeting thoughts and then…life got in the way. The thoughts vaporized and didn’t seem all that important. 

Now, I find myself mid-way through the first week-long visit of the kids with their dad and….I’m a little sad. I had looked forward to this week alone and I’ve gotten a lot done but it’s weird being alone this long. I suppose I’ll have to get used to it. This was what I wanted so this is what I get. And luckily their dad has let me know they’ve arrived –  both out of town and back again – safe and sound.

So, here I find myself. With cats sleeping hither and yon, the guinea pig sacked out in his cage, lots of contented animal sighs and Harry Potter movies on the tv. We are warm and snug. The children are warm and well cared for in the city. But they are not here. And that’s a reality I’ll have to get used to. After all, I did this to myself and I have to deal with the consequences. And for the most part, it’s all good. It’s just the times when it’s not so good. The dude abides, yes? The dude abides.

All told, it’s been a good Christmas. I’ll spend the new year alone with the animals and all will be well. On the first of the year, the children will be back and we will spend a few lazy days together until we have to be back in the real world again.

I don’t regret my decision. Not for a minute. I love my children and miss them but everything’s a little weird and off-kilter. All’s well and all will be well. Yes. We will get used to the new normal. We will abide.

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